Privacy Policy Stuff

“With thanks to Writers’ HQ, our supreme writing commanders, glorious leaders and excellent but tiny overlords, who have verily granted us permission to use their splendid and sweary Privacy Policy.”


Right, so I just discovered my website needs a privacy policy. You’re all going to have to forgive me, but well, I really don’t have the time for something that most people will never even read. Nor the legal knowledge to write one up myself. So I asked a much more knowledgeable friend about how I get a privacy policy as cool as hers. Thanks, Judy L Mohr, you’re a blessing – even if you are the reason I’m having to revamp my online presence! Seriously people, if you need guidance with the technical stuff as I do, she's got a great book on the Hidden Traps. But this is about my privacy policy for those that are interested. But if you're looking because like me you wondered how others handled it, go look at her's after this.

So without further ado let me present a modified version of the one she modified. Thanks to Writers’ HQ because this is gold, and actually worth the time spent reading it for those that bother. Check them out too. This business is all about connections with people. Online and in person. No I don't give away you're private information, but if you have a public profile and it fits a need I'm happy to share then yeah,  might just link you into something like with Judy above.

I’m an overworked and underappreciated mother trying to make a living and keep food on the table. Both children and cats become quite terrifying when it runs out. So, I don’t have the time or energy to do anything nefarious with your data. It’s not that I’m not evil at times – read my books, my characters feel my wrath daily until they prove their worth – I’m just too tired to think up a malevolent plot to steal your identity when I have to work on keeping my characters alive yet challenged and feed my family.
I guess somewhere my website might collect info I need to provide you with the ability to see what I have on offer. Occasionally I might stalk you via Facebook adverts. That’s really it.

Seriously who cares? Do you even know what a cookie is or does? If you do, you know more than me, if you don’t, we’re even. Yes, I probably use cookies because that’s kinda how the Internet works. If you don’t want the delicious home-baked chocolate chip scripts, then you need to block cookies on your browser, just don’t come crying to me when nothing does what it’s supposed to. Seriously, if it works it works, if it doesn’t, I really have no freaking idea how to fix it.


Stalky Visitor Tracker
Look, if I can track you, I have no idea or inclination to work out how. I use Facebook ads and such, if you have visited as a result of an ad, then yep the dashboard tells me the number of clicks. But that’s the extent of my interest, I’m honestly just excited that you bothered to look. As I’ve already mentioned, I’m far too busy trying to stay afloat in this world and I have better things to do. If you read my blog post, I have a counter that tells me total views. I might have a look occasionally to see if anyone’s actually interested in anything I’m writing. But other than that, that’s as far as my interest goes.
None of these things store any super personal data about you or show me anything but a number counter, but probably they nab your IP address, not that I‘d know where to look for it or what to do with it, again the websites already take up enough time just being kept updated. All I see is that a person or many people have interacted with the website in a particular way and the number of views is about all I’m interested in. If you’re buying my books, all that information comes up on the dashboard relating to the site you purchased them from.


Data Storage
DATA!! It’s all about the data, baby. A literal fuck-tonne of petabytes whirring around the world and what? What’s it all for? WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN? What will future historians actually see of us and our slowly collapsing society? I wouldn’t have a clue, because I don’t speak data like that. I store your data in a few different places and use it in a couple of different ways. Are you ready for this? It’s the big one, isn’t it? How do I collect and store your data?


Here on this website! If you register with the site I’ll store your name and email address. That’s it. If you leave a comment on the blog, then the details you provide in the comment will be printed there for all to see. You want to send me a comment but don’t want to make it public, use the contact form, it’s really easy. I had someone make sure it was easy because otherwise, I’d get confused. All the buy now links will take you through to secure and trusted sites like Amazon and they take care of the purchases. Not me. They just pay me. Your payment details ARE NOT held on this site. If I ever start selling direct, I’ll let you know.
I’ll be honest: I do absolutely nothing surprising or radical with your info. It is collected for the sole purpose of being able to connect with you as a valued reader. So, I can send you updates of new releases or articles you might be interested in. That’s fairly standard, isn’t it?

MailChimp! If you’ve signed up for anything – newsletter, blog, merch (wouldn’t that be grand), anything – your name and email address also wangs its way over to Mailchimp, which is the system I currently use to manage my newsletters and emails. They are (allegedly) GDPR compliant. You can unsubscribe from emails at any time by hitting the unsubscribe button. Seriously, if you don’t want my emails, just unsubscribe.  I promise no hard feelings.

Hard drive or server or whatever you call it.
I access all my accounts from my laptop, phone, tablet. All personal devices that no one else uses, except occasionally a kid plays a game on my phone. But I’m not in the back end of either my website or my MailChimp account on my phone. Talk about the too hard basket – or screen as it would be. I back up to clouds because clouds are soft and fluffy and make me think of cotton candy. They allow me to access my work from any of my devices. I also back up to a small personal external hard drive. Mainly this is my work, my writing. Your email address and name, really is simply for newsletters. 


Email Marketing Thingies and Newsletters
If you sign up to my newsletter, I will send you a newsletter – I’m NOT going to send one a week, not even one a fortnight. Probably just when I have a new excerpt or a book release to share. Let’s face it that’s what you really want to hear about isn’t it? You can unsubscribe at any time by clicking the unsubscribe button in every email. Your name and email address are stored securely in Mailchimp.

Mailchimp automatically adds tracking things to links so if you click on a link I KNOW. If you open an email I KNOW. If you ignore me, I KNOW. The most important thing about this is again I have neither the time nor inclination to actually look at or do anything with these stats.

Your Right to be Deleted
You signed up by free choice, and same goes for if you unsubscribe, your choice, I’m not here to make you read something you don’t want to read. If you want to go undercover, just send me a message via my contact form. I’ll take care of it and delete all the info I have on you from my database while having a moment of passive-aggressive anxiety about what I could have possibly done wrong. J
ust so you know, though, you won’t be able to receive my newsletter anymore. I’m not being mean, it’s because you’ve taken your permission away for me to email you.

Social Media and all that Bollocks
I use social media a lot, primarily so I can chat with others who get my type of crazy. Sometimes to share photos of my cats, and anything else that takes my fancy and I think you might like. If you comment on a blog or contact me and I become familiar with you, I might find you on Facebook or Instagram and say hello. If you don’t want to be that friendly that’s cool. I will, of course, respect your boundaries. No point having a one-sided friendship after all. I’m interested in those who are interested in connecting with me.  

You are not required to follow my social media accounts and I won’t seek you out unless you’re interested in exchanging those social media pleasantries. Seriously, I have more than enough people to chat to daily, I’d love more but I can’t really be everyone’s friend. There just isn’t enough time in the day. 


So there you have it I collect names and emails for the purpose of sending newsletter updates and replying to contact form submissions. I'm not selling anything except my books. I might occasionally rave about the latest and greatest book I've read, but you don't have to read my rantings. Your screen your choice. Except for my family and close friends. They have to read everything and there will be questions.

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